Son: Dad, you want to know what I said before I licked the Dog’s nose?
Dad: You licked the Dog’s nose? Son: Yeah, I guess it was a gap in my vast reserves of common sense. Dad: A gap? Son: Like an air pocket in a frozen lake. Dad: So what did you say? Son: I’m probably going to regret this in the morning. ARLINGTON, VA—With officials describing his publication of sensitive U.S. State Department documents as “the last straw,” Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was asked to resign from his position as the Pentagon’s IT coordinator Monday. “We gave him his first warning after the whole Iraq and Afghanistan war diaries thing, and strike two was when he forwarded that video montage of Nicolas Cage yelling to the entire staff,” Defense Department human resources director Curtis Shannon said. “But we just can’t overlook this latest offense. Even if he’s the only one who knows where the spare USB cables are.” At press time, Assange had already been invited to interview for an IT position at the Central Intelligence Agency.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/julian-assange-fired-from-it-job-at-pentagon,18572/ WASHINGTON—While his new book details tense relationships within his administration and admits mistakes were made in the execution of the Iraq War, former president George W. Bush totally blanked on the 9/11 terrorist attacks while writing his memoir Decision Points. “He ends one chapter on what seems like a telling note, saying he felt nothing significant had happened in his first six months in office, but then the next chapter begins, ‘It was almost Thanksgiving, and my approval rating was sky-high,’” reviewer Glen Harwell wrote Thursday, noting that Bush’s account of the 2001 presidential turkey-pardoning dominates the next 3,000 words of the book. “It appears he just plain forgot to mention what many would call the defining moment of his presidency.” Bush has already received criticism for claiming in the memoir that the worst moment of his years in the White House came when entertainer Kanye West sharply criticized him “over issues I cannot even recall at this time.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/george-w-bush-forgets-to-mention-911-in-memoir,18512/ SANTA FE, NM—Before a spellbound audience consisting of his wife, his two daughters, and the family cat, area dad Larry Schroeder described in gripping detail Tuesday how he just barely managed to save $4.27 at the local Wal-Mart. “So I’m sitting in the car, literally turning the key in the ignition, when it hits me,” said Schroeder, pausing briefly for effect. “They charged me for the free teeth-whitening stuff, even though I bought three tubes of Crest like the coupon said. Thank God I remembered to keep the receipt.” At press time, Schroeder had further awed family members by producing the very receipt from his wallet and pointing to where the manager had initialed to authorize the refund.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/dad-recounts-amazing-story-of-how-through-quick-th%2C18128/ |
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