WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a second mass shooting at Fort Hood, at least one lawmaker thinks a bill currently under consideration will ensure the safety of American communities by requiring the estimated 2.6 million unstable veterans who served in Iraq or Afghanistan to tell their neighbors of their combat service.
The Fortify & Unite Communities to Keep Veterans’ External Threats Secure Act (H.R. 1874) which was introduced on Tuesday, would require military veterans to register with the Department of Homeland Security and periodically “check-in” with a case officer, in addition to going door-to-door in their neighborhood to notify people nearby that they are a powder keg of post traumatic stress, alcoholism, murder, and hate just waiting to blow. LIGONIER, PA—Attributing the high levels of attrition to a combination of handling errors and poor oversight, Holy Trinity School kindergarten teacher Alyssa D’Orazio told reporters today that her class is currently burning through hamsters at a rate of six per year, with every indication that the figure will rise. “We blew through two in one week this October,” said D’Orazio, adding that if her students continue to cycle through the rodents at this pace, current classroom pet Lancelot likely will not live to see Thanksgiving break. “Take-homes are now a hard, hard no. But I figure if we reduce out-of-cage playtime and take Rory and Eva off feeding privileges entirely, we might be able to get the average down to a more reasonable number.” D’Orazio added that if Benjamin Szygenda were to be transferred to a different class, it would likely have an “enormously positive” effect on their average hamster’s lifespan. http://www.theonion.com/articles/kindergarten-class-burning-through-6-hamsters-a-ye,34636/
OAK RIDGE, TN—Snack physicists at Nabisco Labs announced Friday the first successful synthesis of a Quadriscuit cracker, a salty treat long postulated by the theoretical models of food scientists but never confirmed by experiment until now. “At the moment, this hyperwafer can only exist for six milliseconds in a precisely calibrated field of magnetic energy, positrons, roasted garlic, and beta particles,” lab chief Dr. Paul Ellison told reporters at a press conference outside Nabisco’s $200 million seven-whole-grain accelerator. “However, by bombarding the cracker with neutrons until it reaches critical levels of zestiness and crunchability, we believe we can one day develop a chemically stable and edible Quadriscuit. Needless to say, such an irresistibly tasty breakthrough could upend everything we thought we knew about snacking.” Ellison added that the snack’s existence cannot be explained by classical Fig Newtonian physics.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nabisco-snack-physicists-develop-highly-unstable-q,34421/ WASHINGTON—Calling it the next great milestone in mankind’s journey into outer space, NASA officials boldly declared in a press conference Friday that a mass shooting would occur on the moon no later than 2055.
The panel of NASA administrators and scientists said that, given the current rate of progress in research and development, the space agency was on track to place a deranged gun-toting madman on the moon by the middle of this century, with officials expressing confidence that a double-digit body count on the lunar surface would be a reality within the majority of Americans’ lifetimes. WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contained on 35 floppy disks. “I have heard the complaints about the existing website, and I can assure you that with this revised system, finding the right health care option for you and your family is as easy as loading 35 floppy disks sequentially into your disk drive and following the onscreen prompts,” President Obama told reporters this morning, explaining that the nearly three dozen 3.5-inch diskettes contain all the data needed for individuals to enroll in the Health Insurance Marketplace, while noting that the updated Obamacare software is mouse-compatible and requires a 386 Pentium processor with at least 8 MB of system RAM to function properly. “Just fire up MS-DOS, enter ‘A:\>dir *.exe’ into the command line, and then follow the instructions to install the Obamacare batch files—it should only take four or five hours at the most. You can press F1 for help if you run into any problems. And be sure your monitor’s screen resolution is at 320 x 200 or it might not display properly.” Obama added that the federal government hopes to have a six–CD-ROM version of the program available by 2016.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-improved-obamacare-program-released-on-35-flop,34294/ |
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